Stepping into authenticity – Motherhood & my Soul journey.

Stepping into authenticity – Motherhood & my Soul journey.

I had the most inspiring day recently with Ann Owen – an INCREDIBLE photographer based in The New Forest. We chatted about motherhood as she snapped away, and it got me thinking.

It’s been nearly a year (!!!) since I became a mother. I became. I changed. Little Wolf was born to this world, but as he was born I was irrevocably altered.

This journey to motherhood has been incredible. I have experienced some of the best moments of my life, and also hit some of the lowest. And throughout the journey I’ve worried. I’m a natural worrier. I’ve always tried to balance what I need and what others need. I can’t help it, it’s my nature. But on this journey it’s led to censorship.

By worrying about what others will think, I haven’t been writing from a place of true authenticity. I’ve been holding back. I haven’t openly shared my innermost thoughts and feelings – what if someone judged me? what if by voicing them I somehow become LESS? Less of a mother. Less of a partner. Less able to connect.

So I didn’t share my birth story – the waves of opposing emotion as my beautiful boy came Earthside but my hopes for a calm birth were taken from me.

I didn’t share my struggle as I moved through, what I can only see now, as Post Partum Depression.

I didn’t share the overwhelming anger and frustration at trying to return to work at 4 weeks postpartum, as I lost my job and had no longer had any choice. The added pressure this creates. And the guilt at no longer being fully present for my beautiful little human who simply cannot understand why he needs to wait for mama for even a second.

To share these feelings seemed ungrateful. It seemed attention seeking. It seemed unnecessary.

But it is none of those things. It is raw, honest and authentic. It is healing. It is my voice.

So this is a new chapter.

As Little Wolf gets ready to turn 1 year old, I vow to step into my truth. I want him to grow up in a world where we are not afraid. Where we know we can share the depths of our heartspace and know we are safe and held. To know we are not alone. And to NEVER feel ashamed for FEELING.

So Soul Space evolves again.

This time drawing together everything I have created into one beautiful space. Yoga. Mamahood. Healing. Because what I crave right now is simplicity and ease through termoil and confusion.

Because it is all ME. In my truth. In this moment.

And that is all I can ever be.

Just me.

I hope you will stay with me on this journey and I invite you to step into authenticity alongside me.

Namaste

X

This Post Has 10 Comments

  1. Ann Owen

    Oh Danni! You write so beautifully and I feel honoured to have shared space with you the other day…i left feeling so inspired by your heart, and your soul. I’m sorry you’ve had some turbulent waters to navigate but so happy you feel you can now share more of you. I always think it’s better out than in! To feel ready and free enough to share your truth is such an empowering place to be in and Lowell is blessed to have you in his life to guide him. Thank you for writing this it resonated deeply.

    1. Danni

      Thank you for holding space and helping feed my courage. I am blessed to have met you xx

  2. Lisa

    So great/brave to have shared your feelings Danni. To break taboo and talk about postnatal depression too. l cant imagine how diffficult that must have been on top of all else in a massively life changing time, where lack of sleep and giving your all to a tiny being at the same time. No one ever really says how much motherhood changes us in so many ways and redefines so much. Feeling completely at ease one moment and completely and utterly out of control the next. Mainly l have to say l felt/still at times feel out of control. We generally feel we need to show a certain us on the outside and that we have everything in hand. To be that “perfect” wife, mum etc. It looks like every other mum you pass has it all under wraps, but we all have so much going on inside and so for you to break that silence about what you’ve been through will reach others who are/have been through similar. Also remembering how strong we are in allowing our vunerable sides to show at times. Sharing our journeys (and the story of motherhood is an amazing one, a challenge, a feat everyday, but also those totally connecting and beautiful moments of it being the best thing ever) but knowing on that journey we don’t always need to say the truly British stock answer of “I’m fine”. Knowing we are always completely and utterly and truly enough in ourselves is something that l know l find the very hardest. But each and everyone one of us is most certainly enough.
    Love and thanks Danni in sharing a big part of you …and love to all mummies out there. ?
    Beautiful photo xxxxxx

    1. Danni

      Hi Lisa, Thank you for your kind words. It makes me SO angry that we don’t talk about the negatives of becoming a mother, that we are expected to be completely happy and at ease with losing all control over our lives, and that making any noise to say that every moment isn’t the most beautiful, makes us less of a mum and something to feel shameful about. Yes we chose this path, but that doesn’t make it any less easy. We have lost our community and as such, the pressures are increasing and we are expected, as you say, to be the perfect wife, mother, daughter, collegue – to hold it all together AND still raise a child. I am lucky that I have met some incredible women this past year who have enabled me to be open, and shown me that we are all in the same place and need to stand together. x

  3. Rachel Smithbone

    Beautifully articulated and so brave and honest. Yup, I’m definitely staying with you in the next phase!

    1. Danni

      Thank you gorgeous soul! Meeting you was an important part of my journey too – I love watching everything you share. Your authenticity is inspiring! x

  4. What lovely, honest words Danni. Becoming a mum is such a massive change and we have so many expectations of what it will look like, especially before the birth. I had the longest birth plan ever involving relaxing music, candles, you name it but ended up with a two day labour and an emergency forceps birth in a hospital theatre with horrible strip lights. I was so exhausted and had lost so much blood that I couldn’t even hold my baby boy to begin with. His Dad had the first cuddle (which was lovely in some ways but rather irritating on others – ha ha)! So, I totally get what you’re saying.

    I have only met you a few times at The Retreat but I met your partner and little boy too who are lovely and it seems to me that you’re doing a fantastic job! You’re so good at what you do and having a baby doesn’t change that. It might make it more challenging at times but it gives you even more empathy with others who are in the same position. All any of us can do as mums is try our best. It’s not always easy (my son is 13 and that brings its own challenges) but we wouldn’t change it for the world.

    Happy Wednesday!

    ?

    1. Danni

      Thank you for taking the time to share such lovely feedback with me. Our birth expectations are SO important aren’t they? and even if we fully appreciate and understand why things didn’t go the way we hoped, it still doesn’t change that they did, and that takes processing. x

  5. Stacy

    You’re a great person, a great friend and most importantly a great mama to your little human and adoptive mama to my little human too through all the advice and support you’ve given us so far. He’ll grow up one of the most loving and kind boys because of you guys, who you are and what you allow him to be. Lots of love ? xxx

    1. Danni

      Thank you so much for such a lovely message. It means the world. I can’t wait to meet your little beauty xx

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