I had the most inspiring day recently with Ann Owen – an INCREDIBLE photographer based in The New Forest. We chatted about motherhood as she snapped away, and it got me thinking.
It’s been nearly a year (!!!) since I became a mother. I became. I changed. Little Wolf was born to this world, but as he was born I was irrevocably altered.
This journey to motherhood has been incredible. I have experienced some of the best moments of my life, and also hit some of the lowest. And throughout the journey I’ve worried. I’m a natural worrier. I’ve always tried to balance what I need and what others need. I can’t help it, it’s my nature. But on this journey it’s led to censorship.
By worrying about what others will think, I haven’t been writing from a place of true authenticity. I’ve been holding back. I haven’t openly shared my innermost thoughts and feelings – what if someone judged me? what if by voicing them I somehow become LESS? Less of a mother. Less of a partner. Less able to connect.
So I didn’t share my birth story – the waves of opposing emotion as my beautiful boy came Earthside but my hopes for a calm birth were taken from me.
I didn’t share my struggle as I moved through, what I can only see now, as Post Partum Depression.
I didn’t share the overwhelming anger and frustration at trying to return to work at 4 weeks postpartum, as I lost my job and had no longer had any choice. The added pressure this creates. And the guilt at no longer being fully present for my beautiful little human who simply cannot understand why he needs to wait for mama for even a second.
To share these feelings seemed ungrateful. It seemed attention seeking. It seemed unnecessary.
But it is none of those things. It is raw, honest and authentic. It is healing. It is my voice.
So this is a new chapter.
As Little Wolf gets ready to turn 1 year old, I vow to step into my truth. I want him to grow up in a world where we are not afraid. Where we know we can share the depths of our heartspace and know we are safe and held. To know we are not alone. And to NEVER feel ashamed for FEELING.
So Soul Space evolves again.
This time drawing together everything I have created into one beautiful space. Yoga. Mamahood. Healing. Because what I crave right now is simplicity and ease through termoil and confusion.
Because it is all ME. In my truth. In this moment.
And that is all I can ever be.
I hope you will stay with me on this journey and I invite you to step into authenticity alongside me.