The last few weeks have been nothing but surreal. Some days feel completely normal, others like we are living in a Sci-Fi film awaiting the next twist and worrying whether the main character will make it to the end and live happily ever after.
With so many changes, it is easy to feel lost. The little routine we had is completely out of the window. Day to day life is beginning to merge into one long stay-at-home holiday, but one we are not allowed to leave when we’ve had enough of putting our feet up and are ready to get back to normal.
Who even knows what normal will look like now?
I’m not going to lie. I have been yo-yoing in emotions like nobody’s business, swinging between pure joy (spending time with Little Wolf has been soul soothing) and absolute terror. Everyone I speak to is feeling the same. Waves of emotions sneaking in at unexpected moments and knocking us of kilter, reminding us that while our day at home may be enjoyable, things are definitely not okay.
So what do we do? It would be irresponsible to ignore what is happening around us, aside from being amoral, we are all part of this Universe and need to stand together in moments like this. That said, we can’t get lost in it either. What is happening is happening. We can’t change it, but we can alter our own behaviour, ensure we do what is best for our immediate household, but that is truly all we CAN do. We can’t change the behaviour of others. We can’t control who will become unwell and who won’t. Everything except our SELF is completely out of our control. All of it.
Feels big doesn’t it?
While there has been immeasurable loss and sadness, and while the end is not yet in sight, the way we view what is happening CAN help us. As individuals. As a collective.
What this catastrophy has done for us is to slow us down. The Universe couldn’t have shouted any louder. STOP. Stop and rest. Stop and notice. Stop and appreciate. BE present. BE.
So while my heart is breaking because I can’t see my family. While I long to walk along the beach and run into the sea. There have been positives in all this chaos and reframing some of the negatives has helped me focus and keep grounded.
I have had more time at home in the last 2 weeks with my husband and son, than we have had in the 16months since he was born. We have had real family time. We have shared the burden of parenthood.
We have finally been able to get into the garden and tend to our flower beds. Little Wolf and I have planted more seeds, started our windowsill of vegetable seedlings, and made mud pies.
We have decluttered the house again – all changes bring space, so we helped it along. The space feels lighter, as do our hearts.
I have been pushed to launch my yoga business online – something I was planning to build ready to launch next year. I am out of my comfort zone, I’m diving deep, but I am excited and hopeful. I am ready to serve and support, and the slowdown is going to enable me to focus on what my heart is telling me is my purpose.
Our food shopping has changed too. We have avoided the supermarket and leaned into the amazing local food shops, some of which I am ashamed to say we had never known existed until now. Their produce is incredible, their support second to none. I’ve lost count of the conversations I’ve had with my husband about wanting to shop locally, support our farmer shops, make our purchases more Earth conscious. Now we have no choice. We won’t be going back after this. Nothing compares to these products.
We have spoken to our family daily. Normally we are pretty useless – we are all silly busy with one thing and another, and life happens, and time slips on by. Now everyone is making the time. We are appreciating what we have been missing. What we were not necessarily aware we were missing. Technology is a blessing and we can all connect, and laugh, and support each other. For this I am grateful.
We are more present. My husband called me to the garden last night to see the moon. We talked about the constellations and which planets we could see, we talked about the seasons and connecting in. We have had time to talk about hopes, dreams, and plan for the future. We have deepened our connection as a couple.
I’m still terrified. I still worry about the what ifs. I still have epic mum guilt moments worrying about my son, what this means for his future, how the world is shifting… but I BREATHE. I stand still. I connect in and dig down, root down.
I know that this, like all moments, is just that. A moment. And moments pass.
Every change creates upheaval, but through upheaval we create SPACE.
I wonder what will come into that space?
I truly hope that what comes next, whatever comes next, arrives with awareness. That we can remember the lessons learned over this year. That we are not invincible. That slowing down has taught us to be present, to be kind, to be open hearted with the world.
That whatever happens, we remember to move forward with love.